If Only
by Listerfiend86
Summary: Jesse has a few regrets. Let's see what they are, shall we?


Title: If Only

Author: AndieLu

Rating: K

Summary: Jesse has a few regrets. Let's see what they are, shall we?

Pairings: Well, I will mention some but nothing really worth listing.

Progress: Finito!

Timeframe: Way after D3. I'd say they'd be in their late 20's...I haven't really thought about a specific age but I'd say that's accurate.

Warnings: None. This is the type of stories we can show our grandmothers without embarrassment.

Feedback: Yes please. I'd be thrilled.

POV: Jesse, obviously.

Okay, on with the show...

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When we got our scholarships to Eden Hall I never thought about how much it'd change my life, how many friendships it would cost me. All I could think about was looking cool by not wanting to go to some prep school full of cake-eater stuffed shirts. Now that I look back, I should have taken the chance of looking uncool to all my friends in the neighborhood and I should have gone to that school. Woulda, coulda, shoulda but that's all in the past so there's nothing I can do to change it. 

Blame on pride or stubborness or whatever but the fact of the matter is, _I_ was the one that turned down that scholarship and _I _was the one that chose looking cool over my true friends. I have no one to blame but myself.

For months they tried to convince me to join them, 'Come with us, Jesse,' they would say, 'it'll be fun. All the Ducks in the same school. Us against the world.' _Us against the world._ That's how it should have been but my stubborn pride just kept me laughing dryly saying I didn't want to go to school with a bunch of Banksie clones.

I never thought for a micro second, not for a spec in time about the ramifications of the choice I had made and believe me, if I had known, I would have stayed in touch with them. My brothers and sisters. My best friends. My Ducks.

At first, I didn't think anything of it. Charlie would call and complain about the new coach, the next Captain Blood he would call him, complain about Banks making varsity and that night when they left JV with the check at that ritzy restaurant downtown, guess who good ol' Captian Ducky called. _Me_.

I think the first indication of my seperation from the flock came when I got wind of Hans' death, _after_ the funeral. Bombay called to ask why I didn't show. When I told him that I didn't even know, there was a long pause followed by a strangled chuckle, 'Leave it to me to forget' he had said like it was some kind of joke. Yeah, leave it to you to forget. Leave it to you to forget to tell me that my mentor had died, days after the funeral. Or leave it to you to forget to tell me where his grave was before you hung up, leaving me to walk around the cemetary by myself looking for his grave. Leave it to you to forget about me.

After that I stopped speaking to the Ducks. I just couldn't understand why none of them made sure I knew. They never even bothered to apologise. I know this because I have all of their voicemails, emails and letters saved. Not one of them said 'I'm sorry.' Not one.

I grew bitter, hateful and resentful towards them. For long hours I sat and wondered why. Why would they do this to me? Then it dawned on me, I brought it all on myself.

If only I would have accepted that scholarship maybe none of this would have never happened. Maybe I would have been at Julie's and Portman's wedding, instead of standing in the rain across the street from the church watching them come out as our friends threw rice at them. Maybe I wouldn't have missed Chalie and his girl, later learning her name was Linda, maybe I wouldn't have missed them getting married or having their baby. A little girl. I know this because I saw them one day at the gas station once when I was there buying a pack of smokes. Charlie would twirl the little girl in the air, tickle her on her stomach, running his fingers through her soft brown curls before leaning down to kiss his wife.

If only I would have gone to that stupid school I wouldn't have missed all of this, but I did and it's done.

Now all that's left for me is to sit alone in my tiny, one-bedroom apartment, cigarette in hand, staring at the ceiling wondering...'_If only...'_

* * *

Okie-day, it's done. That only took me like half an hour to write because the idea popped into my head and I wouldn't get out until I wrote this so I hope it's good, despite how fast it was written. 

Don't forget to hit that review button!


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